Saturday, February 27, 2010

Week 7 - I actually missed the gym?

Yeah, that's right - I said it. I forgot how much I liked working out at the gym until I made my triumphant return this week. I'm still doing my P90X at home workouts, but I doulbe some days up with cardio on the treadmill and elliptical. And kickboxing classes which apperently still kickbox my butt. I REALLY need to work on my cardiovascular endurance.

Well, I'm another pound down this week. Woohoo! Foks, I gotta tell you - while I think I've been at this number on the scale before, it's never been with this body. So I am officially the smallest I've been in recent memory, meaning every pound I lose from here on out will continue to make me the smallest I've ever been. I think that's very cool. More importantly - I am only ten pounds away from my goal weight! I mean, I'm sure my goals will change once I hit that goal weight - but just hitting the goal weight that I've had for ten years will be such a huge accomplishment.

I've started my spring cleaning because there's far too much crap in my closet. I love it when stuff I used to wear is too big, it's like "ok, I'm not imagining things, I'm getting smaller". My favorites include the dresses I have that were made specifically for me. Lots of things I have s-t-r-e-t-c-h so they still kind of fit even though I lost weight. They just aren't as tight. But the dresses I've had made for me - they were made to fit my body at the time. How many people can fit into something they wore in the 6th grade? And it's actually too big! I guess most people weren't fatter in the 6th grade than they are as adults. I also love my prom dress from Jr. year which now feels like a tent on me. That's my go-to dress when I'm having a fat day. I think about how I feel in that dress.

Today was my rest day and it's a good thing it snowed. Otherwise I would have had to talk myself out of going to the gym. (Rest and recovery days are super important people. Skipping them will slow down your progress.) The snow cancelled any desire I may have had to leave the house. And I'm still very impatient. I still want the perfect body yesterday. But I'm happy to feel as though I'm making progress. I'm happy to have a routine to stick to again. I'm happy to know that I can crave the hell out of a cupcake - that doesn't mean I've got to eat one. And I'm really happy that I like vegetables because I don't know how people who don't like them stick to clean eating. Seriously. Most of all, I'm happy that I get my cheat meal tomorrow!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Week 6 - Maybe it's Me?

So I'm facing a set-back this week. First off - I can't believe I've been working out and dieting for 6 weeks, with very little to show for it. That being said - for the past 19 days I've been doing an eating clean challenge. At first - it was great. I dropped 3 lbs. which seemed like it was impossible to do without going on the master cleanse. And yes, I've done that before too. I was really excited to finally break through this weight loss plateau! Well, since that 3lb. loss - I've gained another 4lbs. So for those of you who's math skills are as poor as mine, I now weigh one pound more than when I started. Fabulous. And yes - I know that muscle weighs more than fat. But guess what folks - the tape measurer isn't giving me much better results.

I mean c'mon, really? I seriously believe sometimes that my body just wants to be fat. I will sit at the same weight for YEARS at a time without being able to budge. It just doesn't make logical sense to me. How can you eat healthy and work out 6 times a week, most days for twice a day and not lose a single pound in six weeks?! I do not get it. Unfortunately - what choice do I have? I can't just stop trying. That won't get me anywhere. So, I yet again have to figure out something different. It is beyond frustrating. I get so upset that I either want to say "fuck it" and eat everything in sight or I'm too depressed to eat at all. My rebellion today came in the form of saying "screw this challenge" and eating a whole wheat bagel with I can't believe it's not butter for breakfast. Which technically only the faux butter is breaking the rules - and even adding it to my daily food intake, I'm still under the amount of calories I should be eating today. (Seriously people - eating clean allows you a looooot of food, so if you think it's starving yourself, it's not.) I am determined to get into the new pair of skinny jeans I bought by my birthday! That's in May - so I don't want to wait that long. I was hoping to fit them by the end of February, but that's obviously not going to happen. So the new goal is by the end of March.

Sometimes I just feel like "why me? why do I have to work so hard? why do I have to work out twice a day, and watch everything I eat and drink and some people don't have to do ANY of that shit? or they walk on a treadmill for a half hour every other day and drop ten pounds? WTF???$@#*$%@*"

But, I keep going. I will figure something out. I don't know what and I don't know how but I know what I want and I know that I'm going to get it come hell or highwater.


So here's a little update on my crazy scale: I weighed in at 6 pounds lighter this morning!!! Like, wtf? That's not physically possible to lose 6 pounds in a day. That mothereffin' scale is just a liar. Whatever. I totally appreciate all of the support people! I know some people don't believe in the scale - but I used it to gauge how my day-to-day eating is, so I'm not getting rid of it. Unless it makes me mad again and I throw it out the window...

Monday, February 15, 2010

Bummer Doodles

I'm definitely having what I like to call a bummer doodles day. I eat clean 6 days a week and allow myself on cheat meal. Well, yesterday I had my cheat meal and today - the scale is weighing me 3 pounds heavier. Now, psychologically I know that it is almost physically impossible to put on 3 lbs. in one day. However, I don't like the connotation of it. I don't like that the scale is judging me for having one less than healthy meal. I mean seriously, I obviously like food. If I didn't, I wouldn't be in the predicament of needing to lose weight. Are you telling me that if I eat exactly the way I'm supposed to 90% of the time, and have one cheat meal - that one meal can undo a week's worth of diet and exercise? Because if so, then I quit. I'm done. It's ridiculous to work this hard to see the scale go down and for it to be so easy for tne numbers to go up. It makes me want to just give up trying. What's the point? I'm hoping that this was just temporary insanity on the part of my scale, and that I'll not only be down those 3 pounds again by the end of this week, but another 2 pounds in addition to it. I'm starting to think that people who are fat and happy to be so may have something to their thinking.

Sweet Charity

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Week 5 - "Former Fat Girls, We're Made of Steel. And Splenda."

(quoted from Bride Wars)
One of the toughest things about being super comitted to losing weight is all you have to give up, and the people who don't get it. I can't resist temptation. Seriously - I suck at it. It's much, much easier to just not put the temptation in front of me. So naturally, I don't buy any foods that would be detrimental to my diet. Even if I want a little piece of chocolate, I can't go buy a bag of chocolates because - well, then I've got a bag of temptation. On this same token, sometimes it's easier to stay home and not hang out with friends. What if I get hungry? What if I want a drink? If I just stay home, I can avoid these temptations. It can be lonely going after what you want.

What's even harder is that most people just don't get it. If you have never been TRULY overweight (food babies do not count) then it's hard to understand the level of commitment some people give to losing weight. I'll admit, it sounds crazy. It sounds like I'm going to extremes. I eat from a limited list of foods, workout twice a day and am only allowed to stray from my diet once a week. And currently, I'm not drinking alcohol - though that one won't be lasting long. Sometimes, I have to turn down hanging out if it compromises my workout or my diet. No, I can't skip my workout this time and no, I can't have just one slice of pizza. It seems so harmless - just one workout? Not even a little piece of pizza?!

If it seems like these little detours would be ok, you've obviously never had to lose a great amount of weight. I've lost 50lbs from my heaviest weight. It's hard to remember that sometimes because I've been fighting so hard to get to my goal, I forget how far I've come. But that has taken me ten years. Ten years of dieting and working out, of being hard core and losing focus. Ten years is a long time to work for this people, I wanna be done! And for that to happen, I have to step my game up and focus. I have to have a clean diet and I have to stay faithful to my workout schedule because quite frankly, if I don't lose this weight soon, I'm going to lose my mind!

So far, 3 pounds down on a super focused diet/workout program.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Still Fighting It

I have been overweight my entire life. I was a chubby child, a fat teenager and an even fatter young adult. It bothered me a little bit when I was young, a lot more when I was a teenager, and finally became unacceptable when I hit college. I started working out and dieting. In the begining it was easier. When you first start working out, the weight drops off like "that"! (See: Biggest Loser) It's when you've been doing it for several years and your body adjusts that it gets a little more complicated.

In recent years, it has been next to impossible for me to drop pounds. I would kill myself with cardio at the gym. Hit the gym twice a day, eat minimally and then - only eating fruits, veggies, fish and chicken. All of this and nothing has given me the results I'm looking for. Now, staring down my 30th birthday on the horizon, I refuse to not reach my weight loss goal by that birthday. It's ridiculous and unfair how hard I have to work to acheive what seems to come easier to other people, but those are the breaks. That's just the way it is. My only other option is to stop trying, and I just don't consider that an option. I know I can reach my weight loss goal, I just have to keep going.

I'm currently doing a workout program called P90X. You may have seen the infomercial for it. It's a workout-at-home program that utilizes weights and a push up bar to get you in great shape in 90 days. This is my second time through the program. I did the full 90 days already. I didn't see the results that I wanted, but it is a fitness program and not a weight loss program. For people who have weight to lose, it may take more than one round to see results. It was nice to see that one of the guys in the infomercial actually went through 5 rounds before he got a killer bod. I just really need to see some results soon or I will lose my mind. I don't know what else to do to lose these pounds. They say the last ten to fifteen are the hardest and man they ain't lying.

I'll keep you posted on how this round is going. In addition to the regular workouts, I'm also doing another program from Beach Body (the same company that makes P90X). The other program is Slim in 6, which is supposed to help you slim down in 6 weeks. I also did this program already and lost a few pounds. I'm hoping that combining the two will give me some stellar progress.

Wish me luck ;)

Sweet Charity

Friday, February 5, 2010

Week 4 - If My Body Needs Water So Badly, How Come It Doesn't Hold On To Any Of It?

I've been trying to get 8-10 glasses of water a day. Seriously, I have to pee about a million times a day. It's so annoying. And my skin doesn't look any better, but whatever. So, I'm proud to say that all of my meals this week were prepared ahead of time! Yay! No last minute scrambling for me. It seriously made things so much easier. I'm also doing an eating clean challenge that has me stapled to the top two tiers of Michi's ladder. No more little cheats here and there. I am allowed one cheat meal, and I haven't taken it yet. I saved it for saturday, so I've been eating clean alllll week. I know when most people start eating better and drinking water - they comment on how much better they feel! I can't really say I feel that much different on a day to day basis. My body doesn't feel thinner, I don't feel lighter. Aside from having to pee a lot and being super regular, I don't feel too different. Well, I guess that's not entirely true - I have been sleeping better and not feeling as tired when I wake up. Even on the nights I wake up at 3am to pee (and yes that's happened a few times) I still don't feel exhausted when I wake up anymore.
I've also got my motivation back. I mentioned how hard it was before to get on a routine, and I think I've done it this week. Ate clean every day, had my meals prepared before hand, worked out at least once if not twice every day - that's routine baby. And I'm happy to have it back. It's much easier when it's like you don't have a choice. Kind of like a job - whether I want to or not, if I want to pay my bills, I have to go to work. Well, like it or not - if I want certain results with my body, I have to eat right and work out.
I'm still frustrated that all the strength I built up from P90X seems to just have gone away. I had awesome guns at the end of the summer that are currently nowhere to be seen. I could do at least 25 for real push ups with no problem, and now hitting 20 from my knees is a challenge. I guess maintenance is more important than I realized. I miss my arm muscles, they were cool - I'm gettin those suckers back. Phase II of the X starts on Saturday. I'm going back to Classic with a little Slim in 6 thrown in too. I need to conquer that leg workout since I currently epicly suck at it. Onward and upward. Well, downward on the scale hopefully...

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I'm super frustrated to realize that I currently weigh the same as I did before I started P90X. I remember running every day this summer in addition to my X workouts. How in the hell am I still having weight problems? What's it gonna freekin' take? I can't believe that this many years later I'm still having to work this hard to drop pounds. I can't believe I'm not at my goal already. Frankly, this is bullshit! I'm on day 3 of this Michi's top tier challenge. It's just so depressing being obsessed over calorie intake. Am I taking in enough? Too much? Am I working out hard enough? Am I doing the right workout? There's so many freaking questions and honestly - with the work I've put in, I ought to have seen better results by now. It all just feels so completely unfair.